I blog for the Psychology Today website, and occasionally their editors ask me to edit what I have written to make it fit better with their site. The blog below is an example of that. The editors asked me to make the language less explicit and to focus on the psycholiogical aspects of post-sex communication, rather than the utilitarian advice I offer. I will certainly rewrite it for the Psychology Today audience, but in the meantime I thought some of you might be interested in the version that got rejected for being too explicit. Check it out below if you wish!
Want to Be a Great Lover?
Master post-sex communication with these tips!
Sex can be fun and satisfying. What happens afterwards, though, leaves a lasting impression and often determines if someone wants to have sex with that same partner again in the future. Recent research shows that post-sex communication is crucial for sexual satisfaction.
People involved in kinky sex have long understood the importance of what they call aftercare – the attentive interaction and conversations that kinksters have after their sexy fun has ended. Taking the time to talk, cuddle, and reflect is key for kinksters’ satisfaction with their partners and is easily translated to more vanilla interactions.
Post-sex communication is so important that, when done well, it can overcome bad sex with a lasting good impression as the final note. When done poorly, however, post-sex communication can also ruin good sex with a lasting bad feeling at the end. In ongoing relationships, post-sex communication is critical for relationship satisfaction — often even more important than the sex itself. Following the tips below can help to make you a rockstar in bed and keep your lovers coming back for more.
Tips for Better Afterglow
Dr. Carey Noland, Associate Professor of Communication Studies at Northeastern University, studies sexual communication. Over their decades of research, one of Noland’s primary findings is that:
“Post-sex communication has no single ‘most important’ rule or magic formula. Every sexual relationship is unique—whether with a long-term partner or a one-time hookup—but making your partner feel valued matters regardless of context. Post-sex communication is one of the most significant ways to accomplish this. For some people, this means verbal praise and attention; for others, it’s nonverbal care like cuddling or bringing water or a snack.”
The best ways to improve post-sex interactions are to leave your phone alone, talk to each other, and give each other satisfying touch.
Hands Off the Phone
There are few things that can turn off a lover like jumping on the phone immediately after sex. It is even worse if they instantly grab their phone to start scrolling dating apps. Noland’s research finds that phone use right after sex leaves people feeling ignored and increasingly dissatisfied with their lover. Even if the sex itself is good, people report being less likely to want to have sex with that person again when they immediately get on their phones after sex. Instead, good lovers pay attention to the real person next to them for positive post-sex interactions.
Pillow Talk
Talking after sex is a time-honored way to help partners feel good about their sexual encounters. Expressing attraction, admiration, and playfulness can help lovers feel connected and appreciated once the actively sexual part of the encounter has concluded.
Pillow talk can include what went well and the new things that partners might want to try in the future. If the sex went badly or lovers need something to change, Noland’s research finds that it is better to wait a little bit until they are dressed and feeling slightly less vulnerable to bring up what went wrong and how to improve.
Satisfying Touch
Satisfying touch after sex turns out to be a significant factor in the post-sex experience. Cuddling and continued physical affection after making love is a major source of connection and contributes to enjoying the post-sex afterglow. Some of Noland’s respondents report that they find post-sex cuddling even more intimate than the sex itself.
While satisfying touch is often the first step to a wonderful afterglow, it can be challenging. If sex means penis goes in vagina, then sex ends when the penis is done. Sometimes that is fine – the other person might not care to orgasm, they might be overstimulated, or perhaps just ready for the interaction to be finished. At other times however, once a penis has ejaculated and that signals the end of sex, the other partner is left turned on, unsatisfied, and still wanting to orgasm. If that is the case, the penis person should continue to stimulate their parter in whatever way works best for them. If the penis is tired then oral or digital sex can make great additions to a good lover’s sexual repertoire.
Not only is it important to satisfy partners even after the lover has orgasmed, but it can also be important even when they don’t orgasm. Whether it be intentionally or unintentionally, lovers can abstain from sexual stimulation or have sex without an orgasm and still focus on providing their partners with pleasure. Even when everyone involved who wants an orgasm has had one (or more), affectionate touch goes a long way to help leave a lasting positive impression.
Mistakes to Avoid
While Noland’s respondents detail what makes sex good or great, they also offer some insights into why sex might go badly. Hygiene is important, so lovers should be careful to shower and brush their teeth before making the moves on their sexual partners. Ghosting people after having sex with them is rude and hurtful, and many of Noland’s respondents say that post-sex ghosting could be a deal breaker that made them want to avoid having sex with that person again in the future. That is true no matter what gender the respondents were. Finally, phone use can interfere with sex – texting and scrolling can interrupt or inhibit initiating sex, and getting on the phone right after sex often feels like a major turn off to the other person/people who are left feeling ignored or disposable.
Having (great) sex is more than putting something in a moist hole. Far beyond penis (or whatever) in vagina (or whatever) as the only thing that matters, making sure that you satisfy your partner before, during, and especially after sex can make the whole experience much better for everyone. Noland concludes that:
“Whether through trial and error or directly asking what a partner would appreciate, the key is recognizing that post-sex communication matters and actively engaging in behaviors that help both people feel good.”
Emotionally, physically, and socially, paying attention to your partner’s needs after having sex makes them much more likely to want to do it again in the future.