Monthly Archives: July 2013

Married but not Exclusive article in the Washingtonian

Check out the new article with my interview in the Washingtonian Magazine on polyamory.

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Filed under Families, Media, Polyamory

Diversity and Polyamory

Polyamory is a form of non-monogamy in which both women and men maintain openly conducted romantic, sexual, and/or emotionally intimate relationships. While it has been around in various forms for far longer, polyamory has burst on to the social scene in the last 10 years like never before. In my 15-year study of polyamorists, I have found that diversity can mean three things. First, as an element of social diversity, polys join the ever-increasing cadre of what used to be called alternative families but are now rapidly becoming the norm. Second, poly relationships are quite diverse in the ways people structure their relationships and lead their lives. Third, diversity among poly people is a complex issue: they are quite varied in some ways, and homogenous in others.

Familial diversity has risen dramatically in the last 75 years. Longer life-spans, increasing financial independence for women, and a far broader array of racial, ethnic, and sexual identities are only a few of the social trends that are contributing to these significant shifts. Amidst this shifting social landscape, polyamorous families are largely unrecognized in the diversity pantheon. Most diversity programs – even those that include people in same-sex relationships – do not incorporate polyamorists simply because they have not been well known enough for long enough to make their presence felt in diversity curricula. If current trends continue, the number of poly relationships will rise dramatically as members of the general public discover what I call the polyamorous possibility, or the option of adding openly conducted non-monogamy to the relational menu that used to only include being single, being monogamous, or cheating (and now also includes hooking up for certain age groups). As the poly population rises and becomes more visible, including polyamory in diversity trainings and curricula is becoming increasingly important.

While polyamory is a coherent relationship style in that polys share a common focus on honesty, emotional intimacy, gender equality, and openness to multiple partners, the ways in which people actually practice polyamory vary dramatically. People in polyfidelitous relationships maintain sexual exclusivity among a group larger than two, while people in polyamorous relationships do not generally expect sexual exclusivity from their partners. Some are coupled with or even legally married to a primary partner with whom they share a domicile, finances, and co-parent children, all the while dating and/or loving people in addition to their spouse, or secondary partners. Others reject the hierarchy of the primary/secondary model and emphasize nesting (cohabitation) versus non-nesting (living separately). Group relationships like triads (three-person relationships) or quads (four partners) connect multiple adults that may or may not have children or co-reside. Moresomes are group relationships with five or more, and at some point merge to intimate networks that connect groups of people who share common lovers, exs, and friends.

Although there is wide variation among poly relationships themselves, the people in mainstream poly communities share some significant similarities. The vast majority are white, middle or upper middle class people in their early 30s to mid 60s with high levels of education, who typically live in urban or suburban areas, and often work at professional jobs in information technology, education, or healthcare. As a whole they tend to be either non-religious or practice uncommon religions like Paganism, Unitarian Universalism, or Buddhism (although there are a smattering of Christians and a few Jews, too). While the absence of religion may signal the lack of a conventional moral framework, most polyamorists invest themselves in developing extensive ethical frameworks that structure their interactions and provide them (and their children) with guidelines for how to treat other people and live their lives.
Does this mean that there are no people of color, working class people, or Christians practicing polyamory? Certainly not. But it does mean that they do not appear in large numbers in mainstream poly communities. More diverse people might have poly relationships and not label them as such, or establish their own poly social groups independent from the mainstream communities. While I have definitely seen the numbers of people of color at poly events rise in the past few years, only more research will answer questions about the true diversity of non-monogamous people.


Filed under Polyamory

The Polyamorists Next Door on the publisher’s website

Now you can find my new book about poly families with children, The Polyamorists Next Door, on the publisher’s website at

You can pre-order now, or get it hot off the presses in November 2013

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Filed under Families, Gender, Polyamory